Traits of a Healthy Connection – Denying Want or Sensual Immersion?

Traits of a healthful relationship: who is not curious about what exactly these are? To track down any hidden secrets and add to my toolbox labeled, “traits of a wholesome relationship,” I’m about to step deeply into denying wish – in a 10-day silent meditation retreat – as properly as deeply into sensual immersion – with a sensual living collective, based in San Francisco and New York City.

It is noon and I’ve just eaten my last meal for the day.

I’ve been up because the 1st gong rang at 4:00am. Now, walking wordlessly on this properly-worn path on the grassy grounds of the Vipassana Meditation Center in Shelburne, Massachusetts, I’m staring down the 8 more hours of silent meditation but to come, during most of which I will move neither hand nor foot nor eye, no matter how my physique or mind protests. And this is only day 2 of ten.

I am in a ten-day silent meditation retreat, understanding the practice of Dhamma, which is what the Buddha taught right after becoming enlightened. These are the traits of a healthy connection – with your personal mind! You know how it goes: we discover some thing great and we instantly crave for it we uncover one thing bad and we instantaneously have aversion for it. At its heart, this meditation practice is about transcending this cycle of craving and aversion – and therefore suffering. And so we sit, establishing refined awareness of body sensations and developing equanimity of thoughts. We are observing ourselves as we are, not as we wish ourselves to be.

At 1 point on day 5, the teacher asks my group if we are in a position to experience equanimity. I have to be truthful. “Look, teacher,” I tell her, “I don’t know what to tell you. My mind wanders. A lot. And I expertise a lot of physique pain, and it genuinely hurts and I’d rather it ease up. I know that’s a judgment and a craving, but it really is the truth. Doesn’t really feel so equanimous to me.” She gently sets me straight: The point is not to NOT have judgments or to Never ever have the thoughts wander. The point of equanimity is to, with all the patience and compassion of a wild-animal tamer, notice when the judgments arise, notice when the thoughts wander, and gently bring them back.

Ah, this I can do, this I can cultivate. I am relieved to not have to be best, but merely to be unconditionally compassionate toward thoughts and sensations, regardless of where they wander or what storms I uncover myself in. And isn’t this one particular of the secrets to true enjoyment and satisfaction in life? To stay loving, compassionate and kind toward ones self and toward other individuals, in the face of any storm?

I have a couple hours a day that aren’t dedicated to meditating, and my thoughts run clear and fluid. I consider about a lot of items (such as my organization marketing plan and ice cream), but mostly about the nexus of spirituality and sexuality. Under the microscope of my analysis and knowledge, these two seemingly opposing paths really run along the same groove, till 1 sticky rut: need. How a lot of occasions have we heard that the cessation of want is the way to alleviate suffering and reach enlightenment?

In the section, Healthier Relationships, on my site, I speak much more about seemingly opposing signifies to peace and satisfaction in life and relationships: discomfort and suffering, sexuality AS spirituality, the nature of the thoughts, and abundance vs. scarcity.

A couple of days following returning property, I share my thoughts and queries with Nicole Daedone, founder of One Taste in San Francisco: are spiritual enlightenment and need compatible? She is a woman who has committed her life to discovering and supplying the traits of a healthier partnership – both with self, with other folks and with the divine. She responds that they can not NOT exist in the same space.

Considering that there is nothing at all to transcend and since, as the Vedic Tantrics (and others, of course), preserve, that we ARE the divine, that the divine is expressing itself through our lives, bodies, and thoughts, then there is nowhere the divine is not. Such as in our step kid of want and sensuality.

Inspired by Nicole’s thoughts, I asked her far more about her company. A single Taste is a neighborhood-oriented learning center committed to living as a complete being, in the fire of the non-theoretical, experiential practices of sensuality, connection and intimacy. Although started in San Francisco, One particular Taste is up and running its second center here in New York City. Operating out of Center Point Studies in NoLiTa, they provide 7-eight events a week, organic meals, guest lecturers and workshops, as nicely as “In Groups” – experiential, informational evenings.

Nicole comes from a formidably deep and vast background in Semantics, Theosophy and Buddhism, and was specific her life’s perform and expression would be by way of Buddhism and celibacy, when she was named into the world of sensuality. “Celibacy was superb and relaxing,” she tells me. ” It was fantastic to travel without having turn-on, without having being constantly ignited and activated.” But at some point she realized she only knew who she was in a extremely controlled atmosphere, within the confines of her monastery mind. It was easy to be isolated and celibate, but she wanted to know who she was when she dove into a terrain that she was unfamiliar with and uncomfortable in. So she brought One Taste into getting.

“If we weren’t so screwed up about sex, and if sensuality was woven into our culture and the earth physique in a wholesome way,” she tells me, “I would not be operating with it. I am just interested in possessing it be balanced.” Sex and sensuality are not much more important than our other aspects, it is just that they have turn out to be lurking demons, mal-formed components of ourselves, dictating madly from the background.

One Taste is a clearinghouse for several items, including Urban Monk, a residential sensual immersion program, every day yoga classes, organic meals, massage, sensual coaching, internships and various lectures and workshops. But regardless of how One Taste is fleshed out, the study and practice of OM – Orgasmic Meditation – remains in its bones. In Nicole’s knowledge and analysis, orgasm and meditation are both awareness of the exact same energy, orgasm is just a more nuclear form exactly where the energy of meditation is at level 1, that of orgasm is far more like a level ten. Nicole says, “The study of orgasm is quite comparable to meditation, but is a bit a lot more wily. Meditation and orgasm are just two different methods that the ride moves. In following orgasm, you have to let go of all formulas and strategies. Orgasm carries you exactly where it will and spits you off your safe, nicely-lit path it is about as out of handle and involuntary as you can get.”

Nicole wanted to know who she was when she let the involuntary part rise up, who she was when she was place in locations she didn’t want to be. She maintains that a lot of Buddhism offers a translation about cessation of want to suit this culture’s innate worry of body and sex. Nicole decided to see what happened when she let her physique and want have free of charge reign, and trusted that she was strong adequate to self-correct. “Wish still ruled me till I went appropriate into the face of it with studying sensuality and orgasm,” Nicole says. “Then I could move about need by choice, rather than getting it bully me. Now I can sit in the area with wish, but don’t have to have reaction.” Navigating the terrain of wish can be a wealthy path of surrender. Want often demands an immediate reward, but it can also teach us, by following its lead into uncharted components of ourselves, how to mature and how to appreciate what is, not only what we want to be so.

Equivalent to the meditation practice I steeped in for 10 days, following sensuality is about observing who you are, not just who you consider you are or want to be. It becomes about partying with resistance and studying each mutant strain of resistance like a gleeful scientist. It can be a relief to quit worrying about performing it right, or staying clean even though performing it and the acquiring dirty and producing blunders portion becomes component of the enjoyable of it. “Following sensuality is like moving from the suburbs of thoughts to the city of mind there is no insulation in that place, but if offers nourishment directly from life with no anything between you and it. It is not due to the fact sex is “low” that it is misunderstood and shunned, but because it demands so a lot acumen to play with it it is such a higher-sensory field that most men and women look away rather than moving directly into it,” adds Nicole.

There is part of me that has frequently longed for the simplicity of monastic life. I’ve surely cured myself thoroughly of that wish by about day six. Nevertheless, on day nine, we’re taught the final piece of the approach: Metta, loosely translated as loving kindness. All insanely hard nine days had been worth it to knowledge radiating this compassion to all beings – as nicely as to my own drunk monkey mind and unpredictable physique. And lengthy after the close of the 10th day, (as I take pleasure in my extended-awaited scoop of ice cream), the loving kindness remains lodged surely in my heart and body.

A lot of my function in partnership counseling is supporting folks to step off their version of an oft-traveled route and to stick to the soft animal of their physique and heart to locate their own way. There is no formula for generating a satisfying connection, no template for how to adore oneself, no rulebook for genuinely enjoying life. There is just our personal deeply personal, distinctive way, forged in the fire of creating errors and in the crucible of our personal unmistakable direct expertise.

Want doesn’t want to be transcended, but neither followed blindly without understanding or maturity. We are typically so busy attempting to repair the reality that wish exists, as even though it indicates we are broken, rather than acknowledging it as just an additional field to play in. The objective is, then, not to transcend desire to in the end arrive at a pure plane, but to turn into healthful and integrated with wish, sex and sensuality, so that they are no longer beasties beneath the bed. The objective is to arrive squarely in the middle of your life, as unruly, unpredictable and messy as it may possibly be, and to really like it and love you unconditionally.

Then the only concerns that remain are do we have the courage to arrange for ourselves a lifetime of inquiry into each and every aspect of ourselves – into what we in fact are, not what we wish to be? Can we shine an unconditionally loving light on our restricted areas can we take them out for a walk and let them blink in the light? And can we also trust them to lead us where they will, with the sweet reassuring expertise that there is nowhere the divine could not be?

“You do not have to be good.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body really like what it loves.”

~ Mary Oliver

LiYana Silver, creatrix of, operates with couples and women to step out of painful relationship ruts into extraordinary, satisfying co-produced partnerships – coloring both in and outdoors the lines of traditional monogamy. LiYana is a teacher, counselor, speaker and writer

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